As I near my wedding day in four weeks’ time, there’s an old saying that has crossed my mind more than a couple of times over the past year: “Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.”
And some would think exactly that, what a fool to do it again. I don’t blame them.
Throughout the past year of being engaged I have asked myself, why do I want to do this? Not because it’s the done thing, not because I should or because society seems to put it on a pedestal, but why do I want to make vows that ultimately scare me, in front of friends and family?
When I emerged a divorced woman five years ago, after ten years of marriage, I swore off matrimony. I was optimistic I could find love again, but I didn’t want to jump into making lifelong promises, especially because there was no way of knowing if they could be kept.
During the time following my divorce, I saw marriage as the fastest way to lose sense of myself, to give up my autonomy and identity and ultimately become a “we” instead of “me”.
I am glad that I had that stance at the time, because over the past few years I have been able to lean in and re-learn who I am.
What do I value? What kind of life do I want?
I met different people and admired how they built self-confidence, which often was a stark comparison to my own experience that saw me place marriage and a relationship as the highest priority.
I discovered a whole different world: You could choose yourself, rather than focus on marriage first.
Immersing myself in discovery, the other side of divorce also brought with it a burning urgency to make up for lost time, and so I rebuilt my life, swearing to never give up all I had discovered again.
Then I met my partner Cornelius. He surprised me. He was not what I was looking for. I was not immediately attracted to him in the traditional sense, but he had such a zest for life that was contagious.
As we dated, I found I often held him at arms length to ensure I didn’t sacrifice myself for him, determined to not lose myself and my identity I had worked so hard to rebuild, or rediscover.
Regardless, he always allowed space for me to be expansive, and despite it causing him anxiety, we learnt how to communicate.
He had his own 10-year relationship history to mix with mine, but we were determined to build our relationship on one core pillar: To keep talking and hold space for all of each other.
This has been our cornerstone as we navigated life and continues now as we approach our wedding.
Despite what we might want, or wish, there is no such thing as a clean slate, or a fresh start in a second marriage. You cannot outrun your past and you cannot think it does not inform your choices now, or how you respond to each other.
When you put it all together, it can easily appear that marriage is stacked against you. How can you build a life when you both are bringing so much with you?
So, we come back to the question: Why am I doing it again, why am I becoming a fool?
In my case I have come to a simple conclusion: I want to.
As simple as that, this time, I am choosing to dive head first into commitment, not because I should, as a right of passage, not because having a man or relationship validates me, not because according to some traditions it is the “right” thing to do.
But because I want to, because I choose to, because I have found a person I love, and who I want to hold both close but with enough freedom they can be their complete full self.
I want to learn how to master that art, to love fully, completely, as they are now, and for all the iterations of self that they choose to be. I hope, and am optimistic, that he will be doing the same for me, and in that space we can commit to each other.
Can I predict the future? No.
Do I still have nerves and find my hands clamping down to try and control the outcome of this love, yes, absolutely.
But in amongst all this uncertainty, I can rely on the man who is in front of me now, and trust in who I am. To speak up if I think I am losing my voice, and always make space to hear him if he feels he is losing his.
Because you can only build a great life together while you allow yourself to exist.
You can catch more of Leah’s journey to her wedding day on Triple M WA via the Lisntr app, or follow them on socials, @michaelandleah.
